Author: Marla Gottschalk

I’ve been fighting a battle with my new home. Wrought with disappointment and stress (we lost our first choices in a challenging housing market), I’m wondering how to get beyond clear resentment I feel for this home. Of course, after all is said and done, we are fortunate to be here. However, that doesn’t seem to remove the angst.

But, I digress. This is a post about building your haven — no matter where you are living these days. Note that I’ve applied (or will apply) all of the advice recommended. Also note that these steps have worked previously, when we bought an old fixer-upper that was a bit more challenging than anticipated. (We’ve owned 6 homes, from a 60’s quad-level to a new, custom build).

So — if you get a sinking feeling when you think about your space, read on.

• Consider the psychology of it all. Stress during the search process can definitely color your feelings about your new space. Make an attempt to separate your feelings about your home or apartment, from the search dynamic. Think of this scenario: If your friend chose this space, what might your reaction be upon seeing it? Would it be positive? Compare this with your own current assessment.
• Focus on function. Form has to follow function in your home. If possible, tackle the issues that get in the way of living, such as doors that swing the wrong way or a noisy, annoying washer that came with the package. Little things that simply do not work for your life, or create stress — need to be addressed early on.
• Focus on the small bits. Elements such as lighting or kitchen hardware can change the feel of a space. (Consider the difference between black wrought iron knobs & gold-tone hardware.) If the basics such as your cabinetry are not objectionable, there is hope to still win you over.
• Insert yourself. Carve out one space that has the most potential to bring you joy. Build a gallery wall of favorite art or photos & bring out treasured home decor items. Play hard ball by loading up on the elements that bring you positive vibes.
• Keep rearranging. Our new home (a Tudor) is quite dark, and has an awkward corner fireplace that was befuddling at the very least. Try multiple arrangements of your furniture pieces until it feels comfortable. Use the accessories you own to change the look & feel of the space. What worked in your past home, may not work where you find yourself now. So, try it all.
• Make peace with it. You’ll have to let it go on some level — even if this means accepting that this feeling won’t completely change. Keeping yourself in a completely negative space takes a lot of energy and will inevitably bleed into other parts of your life.

Live.Work.Think.Play shares observations concerning a wide array of topics from founding a company — to the perfect gift. It is designed to share lessons learned from a variety of perspectives.

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” – Herman Hesse

Most of us are challenged to let go of disappointment, failure or regret within our work lives.

We bemoan the collaborations that didn’t prove fertile, the target we may have missed or the client that got away. We are taught repeatedly to “stick with things” and to “never give up“. Yet, I’ve seen this strategy backfire and cause a great deal of stress.

Taking an honest look at our goals to evaluate where we really are is critical. We must be aware of our available psychological resources and prevent further drain.

As a work life coach, I’ve seen an unusual type of guilt — “goal guilt” as I like to call it — affect all types of contributors from those new to the workforce, to seasoned CEOs and entrepreneurs. In may cases, the unfulfilled elements in the past, simply get in the way of a more fulfilling work life in our future.

Invariably, the elements that we value the most and live at the core, can cause us the most trouble.

Big, audacious goals are touted as a cornerstone of our work lives. (Some advice here, on how to set them wisely.) We are encouraged not only to set them, but to live alongside them with each and every breath we draw. I’m good with goals and we all need them. Yet, just like the battery that feeds our favorite device — goals have a “life span”. They reach a state, where they are no longer viable or serve as a meaningful motivator.

How this affects us is something we should pause and note.

People also cycle in and out, of our work lives. There are expectations attached to them as well — and not all of these might have been fulfilled. There may have been a mismatch, or we (or they) have changed or circumstances influenced the outcomes. Our time with them may have felt unproductive and frustrating, but inevitably, “it was what it was”.

All of this holding on requires energy and “headspace”. Yet, our attention cannot be infinitely divided. (Research has shown that our minds burns through 20% of our energy requirements though it represents only 2% of body mass.) In a sense, wasting that precious energy, is squandering our own potential.

Sometimes we simply must move on — and let go.

How you would describe your own history in this regard? Do you find it easy to let go? Or are you challenged to do so? If you lean toward the stubborn and notably inflexible end of the continuum, the process can be arduous. However, all of this hanging on doesn’t serve us. It can bring a fog that clouds new opportunities and can fuel bitterness. Nevertheless, turning away and leaving these things behind can be challenging and bring a certain sadness.

Letting go of people and goals that define yesterday can be a good thing. We must challenge our mindset to allow us to do so.

Here are a few thoughts concerning what letting go is and isn’t:

• Letting go of a goal isn’t a defeat.
• It does not signal failure on your part.
• It may mean that the goal no longer serves you.
• It may mean you have committed your best effort — and the outcomes/rewards weren’t there.
• It is closure.
• It is about shifting your energies to fertile ground.
• It is about becoming more agile.
• It can foster resilience.
• It can build a sense of adventure; restore a certain hope and confidence in the future.
• It can mark the moment of a new beginning.

In many cases letting go, creates room for pursuits that are far more rewarding — and carves out a place for the goals and people that will help move us forward.

I would say that softens the blow.

Is letting go challenging for you? Have you mastered the art? Share your experiences with our community.

Dr. Marla Gottschalk is an Industrial/Organizational Psychologist. She is a charter member of the LinkedIn Influencer Program. Her thoughts on work life have appeared in various outlets including Talent Zoo, Harvard Business Review, Forbes, Quartz and The Huffington Post.

It’s time to talk about burnout. Considering what we have all muddled through (and may still be going through), it can come as no surprise that many of us are feeling deeply exhausted. For unknown reasons, I’ve never thought to share my own burnout story. First let me say, that my dynamic was hastened by the pressures of the pandemic — yet it is very possible that the roots had already been established well beforehand. I’ve also realized, that if we fail to see the writing on the wall early, burnout can take hold in a manner that can be quite difficult to discover and shake.

One this is certain.

Burnout is real.

And it requires that we to act promptly, to protect ourselves and hopefully mitigate its long-term damage. (See an overview of the research here.)

As a coach, I’ve discussed burnout with many individuals over the years. I’ve seen burnout manifest during unpredictable organizational change initiatives, as well as healthy industry peaks. It can occur because of one perpetually trying client or the full brunt of a dire economic downturn. Burnout is also rooted in our personal lives; too many burdens or disappointments, not enough joy, a defeated mindset or family issues.

Ultimately, no one is immune.

We do seem to experience burnout as individuals, so its course is also individual. This can throw us off the trail and likely leave us unprepared. Burnout will not look the same across people. As a result, it can fly under the radar, What you are feeling may not initially appear to be burnout.

Above all, we should be discussing the issue and sharing experiences. Personally, burnout manifested in my world as a thunderstorm gathering courage in the distance. There were signs it was approaching. Pangs of apathy and avoidance. Yet, because that is alarming on many levels — particularly because in most cases (as was with mine) the work is our livelihood — we try to ignore its presence. We may have trained for years or others may depend upon us; there are so many reasons that we cannot simply pick up, check out or change course.

As a rule, I believe that we opt to compensate however we know how and press on. We assume there is nothing to be done, as we cannot change the things we must (and in many cases previously loved) and should do.

However, there are costs to this strategy.

Engagement with our work wanes. Motivation plummets. As is the case now, we have also lived through a tumultuous time in history which has affected every breathing corner of our lives. We cannot expect all of this this to steer clear from our lives.

While we may not be able to walk away from life’s responsibilities, we can take the time to understand the winds within our own storm. This may offer clues that can lead to solutions. So, here are a few things to consider when attempting to understand burnout, and its roots, in life & work.

Hopefully, the topics may alert you to something that can be addressed.

• We do not acknowledge broken agreements about work & life we have made with ourselves. In many cases, there is a psychological contract with ourselves, that we have breached. We may have briefly thought: “I’m extremely weary of this” or “I’m not as happy with this part of my career, as I used to be”, but we pressed on. The scales were tipping and we kept on going, without considering where that path might lead. The rewards were simply not keeping pace with the investment of time, trouble and emotion.
• When to stop is never discussed. We are offered an abundance of advice about how to start something. Yet there is not nearly enough discussion about when and how (and why) we should slow down or step away from something in life or work. We conveniently forget that remaining productive & happy over the long-haul requires balance & rest, even with the tasks that we love. We may not have had the strategies in place to achieve this.
• We wait for a savior. It is unlikely that someone will approach you to say, “Stop what you are still doing well.” or ” You should take a bit of time for yourself”. You must take on the responsibility of your own psychological resources. Monitor feelings of hope, self-efficacy, resilience and optimism. Pay attention if one has fallen precipitously.
• Declare or wither. One pillar of core stability (my work lifestyle philosophy), is to embrace radical self-awareness regarding what you need to stay productive. We cannot always choose the roles, tasks, or people that are a part of our life’s journey. However, if it is humanly possible to affect core elements before burnout sets in, do this. Declare the elements that are vital to you as a contributor.
• Acknowledge that living through history is an accelerator. As a child I used to try to imagine how others had lived through World Wars. What were they thinking? Could they go back to living normal lives, that would include joy or a sense of calm? I can only hypothesize that they would not want to return to the elements of their lives that were already worn or troublesome. They would want to grab life and live it to the fullest. That a clear purpose to live well, would dominate.

I do not have the answers — only more questions. However, acknowledging what we have lived through and how this affects our work is vital. Above all, know that our collective journeys are personal, and this requires a very personal solution.

Do you have a strategy to mitigate burnout? How has this helped you? Share it with this forum.

Marla Gottschalk is an Industrial/Organizational Psychologist and a charter member of the LinkedIn Influencer Program. Her thoughts on work life & have appeared in the Harvard Business Review, Forbes, BBC Work Life, Quartz and The Huffington Post

We all engage in goal setting.

Historically, we do more of this as we approach the New Year. I like to look at resolutions as wolf-like goals, but in sheep’s clothing. They are every bit as challenging to accomplish (perhaps, more so); but often vague & unstructured. As we’ve discussed previously, goals can help or hurt us — depending on their inherent ability to energize us. As a workplace strategist, I’ve often advised clients to refine or even lose goals that no longer serve them. Why? Goals can actually let us down and fail to direct our behavior in a meaningful way.

Resolutions often fall prey to this same malaise. So, I’m wondering — can we craft resolutions that are better for us?

One promising strategy, is to apply what we already know about positive psychology to the process. With roots in humanistic psychology, positive psychology theorizes that we have the power to re-frame our life experiences to help us become more positive and productive.

Goals & resolutions could stand some re-framing right now. So, let’s pursue this thread.

Consider the following passage:

“Positive psychology is…a call for psychological science and practice to be as concerned with strength as with weakness; as interested in building the best things in life as in repairing the worst; and as concerned with making the lives of normal people fulfilling as with healing pathology,” – Christopher Peterson

We could re-cast resolutions (and goals in general) with a nod toward what has gone right and not wrong. As we look toward the future, we might recognize what has worked over the past year — taking the time to remind ourselves of what we have accomplished. To acknowledge all of the positive steps we have forged, even if the end-state has not been reached. This might provide the fuel that we need to protect energy and build resilience.

So — ask yourself: What has brought you some measure of accomplishment recently? Have you overlooked some of the good? Have you cast a shadow over the small successes?

We should take a second look and consider that sustaining energy requires that we actively acknowledge all of our effort. That we acknowledge how small steps have power and can prove instrumental. That we make progress in ways that are often subtle, yet foundational.

Step 1.

Carefully consider a goal or resolution — and take a second look at what you have done to achieve it. Offer yourself credit, for your efforts. (If this a new resolution for 2021, you can jump to Step 2).

• Draft a list of all of the steps already taken.
• Do not apply a value judgement as grounds for inclusion.
• Be sure your list is complete. All steps are progress. No step too small.
• Now, what was obviously successful?
• What steps may not have been entirely successful, yet had real value, after a second look? Why?
• What have you learned from detours, failures or disappointments?
• How have you managed to actively recover and continue to move forward? (This is also a success.)
• How did the acquired knowledge in general, inform your journey?

Step 2

Craft behaviorally-anchored steps for the future which build upon progress noted in Step 1. Be sure to integrate what you have learned from previous highs and lows. If this is a new goal or resolution, try to improve upon any broad sweeping statements such as “be healthier” or “becoming an influencer”. Be specific. Think of yourself actively engaging in goal-directed behavior.

• What are you actually doing?
• What are the specific steps you will take?
• Describe these steps. Verbs should figure prominently in your plan: reading, seeking, calling, contacting, developing, etc.
• Add specificity to every action.

For example, if your broader resolution is “becoming an influencer” — you should note all discrete steps that may contribute to success, applying the specificity rule. For example: ” I will submit 2 pitches a week, to these 4 media outlets for potential articles/posts.”

Consider the following as positive steps, which are often overlooked.

• Communication Channels. Establishing information networks to support your journey (joining a group, seeking guidance from a professional, engaging with social media).
• Strategy preparation. Engaging with books, podcasts & articles to explore strategies.
• The Deep Work. Taking steps to shift your outlook or mindset to support your journey.
• The Everyday Work. Aligning your goal/resolution with specific habits or daily rituals.

Remember that progress is often synonymous with a collection of small steps — which occur with little fanfare. (I’ve lived this. In 2010, I made a resolution to establish myself as a work life write writer. It was pain-staking, but I tried to revel in the small successes.)

It may be high time — to offer those steps the glory they deserve.

Live.Work.Think.Play shares observations concerning a wide array of topics from founding a company — to the perfect gift. It is designed to share lessons learned from a variety of perspectives.

Welcome to early winter — of the longest year that I’ve personally experienced.

I’m certain your journey through this year has brought you more than a few twists & turns — impacting both life & work. These moments may have shifted your mindset, caused you to take stock. These moments may have rocked you at the core.

On my end, I’ve noticed some significant changes. I’ve had the desire to write less and think more. To take another look at the world of change management. To reach out & collaborate.

I’ve also noticed a keen interest in the artificial distinction between the idea of “craftsmanship” and our own work. This was largely the by-product of something entirely new for me — a hobby — a life element that I hadn’t previously declared or pursued. I slowly began to see the link between learning a craft, and our day-to-day work. Moreover, that there was something in all of this that we were sorely missing.

The craft I have chosen, photography, is wide & expansive — and because of these attributes, provides rich learning opportunities. One key advantage is there is not an easy path to achieve mastery quickly; requiring significant time served as a novice. I’ve had to become more patient, more open to failure and more appreciative of the time needed to improve. (Yet, thumbing through a book of Steichen’s work, I was happy to start at what Whitney Johnson refers to as “the bottom of the learning curve”.) Yes, beginnings can be frustrating, but also glorious — if the context in which you find yourself aligns with the spirit of the process. In any case, there should be no shame in declaring ourselves as “apprentices”. I am happy to be one.

Why we fail to approach growth at work in this spirit, is more likely due to the pressing needs of organizations, rather than the good of the work or our professional development. Of course, projects must be completed, targets met, goals fulfilled. But still, there are obvious advantages. If we could somehow approach some portion of our work as a craft — creativity, engagement & innovation may get a needed boost. If we could be an “apprentice” within a defined area, the pressure to be perfect, to know it all, to pass the test, to dazzle (or dominate) the room, could lessen.

We might allow ourselves the time & space to expand the horizon of our work, to seek new methods/strategies through new topics or adjacent to existing habits. This in turn could help us become better at what we do. (This strengthens our core and possibly the core of the organizations in which we work.)

During every year we could re-dedicate ourselves to our profession and become a beginner in some regard. To choose an avenue to explore, whether this is carried out in partnership with our employers, independently, with the help of a new contact, or a course of study.

However, the desire to “check the box”— has to be retired. Living in the “apprentice” phase should not be judged or hurried. We should accept that early steps are just the start. That we have much to learn. That this will take time.

Poorly executed photographs aside, I’ve learned much during this uniquely grueling year. Lessons that will stay with me — and could be incorporated into my work going forward. I’ve learned that continuing to feel useful is vital. That adapting to constraints is anything, but glamorous. That growth happens in fits & spurts (and it is often imperceptible), when we face those constraints.

To hone a new craft, we all have to start somewhere.

Even if that somewhere is at the very beginning.

And that’s perfectly alright.

What I’m listening to:

Dr. Marla Gottschalk is an Industrial/Organizational Psychologist who focuses on empowering work through the development of a strong foundation. She is a charter member of the LinkedIn Influencer Program. Her thoughts on work life have appeared in various outlets including the Harvard Business Review, Talent Zoo, Forbes, Quartz and The Huffington Post.

So, as the fates would have it, the pandemic is not a sprint — but a grueling marathon. Work (for some of us) is still present, although likely in some morphed form. The pace or tenor may have been revised. Colleagues may have scattered. Yet hopefully, your heart, passion and loyalty are still present, although possibly bruised and battered. A lot has happened. Every day there is more to digest.

Yet fall has still arrived. The days are still becoming shorter (at least here in Michigan) and my garden is still quickly fading. The tide still returns. Soon winter will come. Mother nature hasn’t bothered to blink an eye.

What are we to make of all of it? What comes next?

As as a young college student (pre-major), I drafted a rather depressing, dream-based short story named “The Far Side”. It mused of a dystopian world, where those with a useful profession were transported in the dead of night to an undisclosed location, in an effort to save the world (from itself). Some sort of traumatic event had already occurred — and while traveling through seemingly endless darkness and barren landscapes, there was a palpable sadness among the passengers. Yet, at the same time a resolute calm. A firm sense of determination. All I knew at that moment, was the aching pain of becoming separated from my family. I was unsure of their fate and on which side of the sorting algorithm had I fallen. Was I deemed useful?

At the time, I was a struggling college student on many levels. My parents had just divorced, Microeconomics was proving a relentless challenge and my tiny, insular world seemed to be collapsing. But, I had an inner sense that training to do something useful, was one key to getting past my present.

Feeling useful is important to all of us. It is a vital part of our core as a human being, especially when things are literally going sideways. Whether we are blessed with fame, money or acclaim really does not matter. Striving to be useful, is something of note that we can all achieve.

What matters is that we apply our training, our gifts, empathy and strengths.

That we create a small, but useful ripple, in this vast ocean of a world.

Not simply for the betterment of others, or for the world — but for ourselves.

What does being useful mean to you? Share your perspective with us in comments.

Dr. Marla Gottschalk is an Industrial/Organizational Psychologist is a frequent contributor to Live.Work.Think.Play. She focuses on empowering life & work through the development of a strong foundation. A charter member of the LinkedIn Influencer Program, her thoughts on work life have appeared in various outlets including the Harvard Business Review, Talent Zoo, Forbes, Quartz and The Huffington Post.

Photo: ellieelien@unsplash

Rituals are the formulas by which harmony is restored.- Terry Tempest Williams

We planted four yellow rose bushes in our backyard garden last summer. They are situated in an area that for some odd reason, everything seems to perish. I have a number of concocted theories as to why this continues to happen. Firstly, our home is well over 70 years old and from what I discern from original plans, a garage once stood near that area. Maybe this contributes. Or there is possibly too much sun. Too little water. Or our 100 pound German Shepard stomps over the plantings when chasing her tennis ball.

I’ve just surveyed the current situation. It’s not looking all that hopeful.

The point is not the roses, but that the ritual of the garden occupies my mind in a manner that frees me for some stretch of time. Small rituals makes us more comfortable, more centered — even when a sense of instability may exist all around us. For you, this may mean walking around the block after dinner, game night, sitting on your balcony in the morning or a quiet cup of coffee before you write a report.

You could call these routines, but somehow these idiosyncratic actions hold more value than that label would imply.

Whatever that ritual is, no matter how small it may seem — it matters. Small rituals help define who we are as individuals. They help align who we are with our surroundings. I feel they likely make us better contributors, as well.

When we get back to our desks, the rest will still be there.

But for that moment, I’m rooting for the roses.

Strategy: Rituals

• Do you have a small ritual that helps you remain productive?
• Do you feel rituals have become more important during this crisis?
• Does your organization or team have a ritual that helps them along?

A frequent contributor to The Tilbury Edit, Marla Gottschalk is an Industrial/Organizational Psychologist who helps people & teams build a stronger work life foundation. A charter member of the LinkedIn Influencer Program, she has been featured at the Harvard Business Review, Talent Zoo and The Huffington Post.